Disclaimer: I don't watch MTV. Nor do I consider myself "hip" by any stretch of the imagination. I'm mostly watching this show because yes, I'm really intrigued by this whole "Britney comeback," and also it's Sunday night and I could use a laugh. Expect a lot of me going "Who are these people?" and "Why do I feel so old?" So without further ado, let's watch the VMA's!
8:55: All right folks, the show doesn't begin for another 5 minutes and I already feel like I'm too old for this. Should be an interesting night!
8:59: AHMAGAD BRITNEY SPEARS!!! (read that drenched in sarcasm)
9:00: Holy hair extensions, Batman.
9:01: Does some half-assed dancing and lipsyching really count as a comeback these days? Methinks we need to raise our standards.
9:03: The look of 50 Cent's face of "What the...." is priceless.
9:04: OK, that was just sad. Britney looked hungover and/or distracted for most of the performance. Put that next to her old VMA performances and there's no comparison. I won't say I've ever thought she was a good singer or anything like that, but the girl could dance. Past tense that is.
9:05: Dear Sarah Silverman, you are not funny. She just made a diarrhea joke for God's sake.
9:08: Why is she still talking? I'm still thinking about how sad Britney is.
9:09: More talking. This time Alicia Keys talking about Vegas and showing clips of preshow performances. Feels like they're stalling. Did Britney pass out in the wings?
9:12: Single of the year already? Oh my God not Daughtry. Please. What is Mims? Anyone?
9:13: Winner is....Rhianna for Umbrella...ella...ella.
9:14: Kanye West is performing...somewhere. As much as I can't stand him as a person I'm rooting for him to kick 50 Cent's ass this Tuesday. /sidebar
9:22: I love Seth Rogen. For serious.
9:23: Jennifer Hudson and some guy are on the stage. Her wig looks flat. What the hell is a "quadruple threat" award?
9:24: Beyonce, Bono, Jay-Z, Justin Timerlake, OK, all multi talented. Kanye West has a clothing line??? And is a "social activist" for something he said like, 2 years ago? Justin Timberlake takes is. He has to accept his award in a mosh pit. "I want to challenge MTV right now to play more videos," he says. I now LOVE Justin Timberlake.
9:25: They cut from him pretty quickly after that and to Fall Out Boy playing in like, someone's basement. Petey hardly has any room for the spinning.
9:27: And, 2nd commercial break. This show is just awkward.
9:31: WTF is up with these basement performances? Foo Fighters are up now, were mid-song as they came back from commercial.
9:34: Kanye and 50 Cent are presenting the "collaboration" award together. Helloooo, death stare. This is such bullshit. Winner is Beyonce and Shakira. Does anyone care?
9:36: I'm bored, they need to get Britney out there again.
9:37: Shit, now Maroon 5 is performing. Or no, just the lead singer with the "house band." For maybe 40 seconds. This format sucks.
9:43: Rosario Dawson is telling me to go to MTV.com later. Now she's introducing Chris Brown. Wait--is someone going to get to do a whole song??
9:45: OK, I definitely don't know who this person is. And I don't think I care. Time to go find a snack.
9:48: Oh shit, kid's about to moonwalk. Is dancing to Michael Jackson. This could be totally awesome. (Shh, don't tell anyone I have a non-cynical side.) Damn, music changed and no moonwalking. My little heart just sank a little, I was looking so hard to find a sunny spot in this shitstorm.
9:54: Why must the producers tourture us by cutting to locations where people look like they're actually having fun before going back to the "casino tables"?
9:56: Lauren, Whitney and Audrina from The Hills are on to present male artist and Lauren's lipstick is way too dark. Nominees are Akon, Robin Thicke, T.I., Justin Timberlake and Kanye West.
9:57: Winner is...Justin Timberlake. Puh-lease make another wisecrack about the poor state of MTV. Talks about how Chris Brown makes him feel old. You and me both, honey. "And like I said, play more damn videos. We don't wanna see... [long pause as he realizes he's on stage with 3 MTV "reality stars"]... The Simpsons on reality television." Uh, nice save, bro. Did he mean Simpsons like Jessica and Ashlee or the yellow ones on Fox? I'm confused, an hour of MTV viewing has already warped my brain.
10:08: Fergie wins female artist of the year. Ludacris is supposed to accept on her behalf but forgets so Shia takes it.
10:11: Must. Fight. Urge. To Change. Channel.
10:19: Timbaland encourages everyone to bounce. I remain unconvinced. Is this Linkin Park? How did they get the room with an actual stage and a huge crowd? I WANT MORE FOO FIGHTERS! Jesus, I'm old.
10:24: Fall Out Boy accepts their best group award from their "suite." Pete Wentz is rambling about something. Their "fans" in the "suite" look much more excited than the band.
10:25: Uh...Dude from System of a Down is performing with the Foo Fighters. I have no words.
10:29: So wait. Criss Angel helped with Britney's performance? Did he make her "talent" disappear? So confused.
10:31: Rhianna sings in a suite with Fall Out Boy. I have to say, I don't loathe her. She wins the award for "female tonight who's actually singing."
10:32: How is Carrie Underwood up for Best New Artist? Didn't she win American Idol like, 2 years ago?
10:33: Alicia Keys is apparently going to sing a whole song. When did she start sounding like Gloria Estefan?
10:35: Alicia says "everything's gonna be all right." Maybe. In like, 25 minutes when the show is (supposedly) over. And just as I was about to take back the Gloria Estefan comment they bring out conga drums and horns and she starts singing George Michael's "Freedom."
10:36: The liquor must finally be kicking in because people in the audience finally appear to be awake.
10:45: Shit, were Tommy Lee and Kid Rock seriously fighting? Because that would have been a million times more interesting than anything else they've shown tonight. Jamie Fox has been on stage for 30 seconds and hasn't sung yet, color me impressed. Jennifer Garner asks, "What's happening??" Oh, wouldn't we all like to know.
10:46: Best New Artist award goes to... Oh my god Jamie stop plugging your movie.
10:47: ...goes to Gym Class Heroes and Jennifer Garner sort of butchers their name somehow.
Cut to them in their suite slamming drinks and no one actually gets to talk to take the award. Smooth.
10:49: Miss Teen USA reading from a teleprompter. Sometimes poking fun at yourself is endearing. Other times, I want to slap the person. Consider this to be the later.
10:57: Mary J. Blige is introducing Dr. Dre and she looks like she's gonna cry. Dude, Dre is ripped. Like, post-roids Barry Bonds ripped. Dre is introducing video of the year and the animated voice pronounced "Kanye" wrong.
10:58: Video of the year is "Umbrella." ella. ella. Sorry. Ok really, 2 minutes left. Will this end on time?
11 p.m. Diddy is cracking a joke about his fight with Kid Rock. "We have to stop the violence in rock 'n roll." Uh huh. OK, last performance of the night, supposedly.
11:01 And they cut to Food Fighters. Some guy who looks like a hairy John Corbet is singing with Foo Fighters. And, commercial. Seriously, is this not over?
11:04: Last performance is Nelly Furtado. Is this really why I kept watching?
11:07: They're busting out the lasers for Timbaland and...who is this girl? Seriously no idea.
11:08: And in the longest performance ever, here comes Justin Timberlake.
11:10: The beat for "SexyBack" starts. Except now it's another Nelly Furtado song. And WILL THIS SHOW NEVER END. And to think, this year's was planned to be an hour shorter than normal.
11:11: Dear God it's over. Uh...yeah. So to sum up, Britney's dried up, MTV is completely out of touch and it's safe to say I'll never waste two hours on this crap again. And, if you somehow made it to the end of this post, God bless you. Good night.